Friendship is a word which we all use in our everyday language, and
yet it could take one’s whole life only to realize its
meaning. However learned a person may be, however pious, spiritual, or experienced, if he has not learned that nature and
character of friendship he has not learned anything. This is the first and the last thing we have to learn. We so often use this
word lightly, calling every acquaintance a friend, or professing to be somebody’s friend; but the more we realize the meaning of
it, the less we are able to claim friendship. For everything in life we are tested, examined, and tried, but to pass this examination
of friendship is the most difficult thing in the world.
What is the reason for this? Why is it so difficult to be a friend?
One would think that it was the easiest thing there is! The
reason is that there is something in ourselves which is always against our being friendly. It is the self, the ego, which the Sufi
calls Nafs. As long as this ego is standing and lives, a man cannot claim to be anybody’s friend. And when he is not somebody
else’s friend he is not even his own friend, for one learns friendship by being a friend to another. A selfish man may seem to be
a friend to himself but, it is on the surface, not in reality. He has not yet learned how to be a friend to another, so he cannot be
a friend to himself. In our pursuit of truth we want to learn a great many things: the nature of life, the secret of life, the character
of life; and to understand the meaning of friendship seems so easy and simple that we never trouble to think about it, nor about
the responsibility of being a friend. The great error we make in our lives is that we begin to claim friendship before we have
learned the meaning of friendship. In this world of illusion where at the end of the examination we find everything to be of little
importance, of little worth, if there is a sign of reality, of something that one can depend upon, and in which one can recognize a
sign of eternity, it is in the constancy of friendship.
Man, absorbed in the active life of this world, has a desire for friendship,
though he never practices it. Yet this tendency to
friendship can be found even among the animals. There is a story of a hunter who was shooting birds one day in the forest, and
saw two birds sitting on a branch of a tree. He shot one bird and it dropped to the ground. As this man was a t a distance it
took him some time to arrive at the spot, and while he was walking towards it he saw that the other bird had come down to
look at its mate. It touched it with its beak and found that it was dead, and by the time the man arrived he found both birds
dead. ‘From that day,’ he said, ‘I gave up shooting, for I had seen a friendship among birds which one cannot find among
It is a simple lesson, and it is a lesson that we have to learn; today
when nations are against nations and races against races,
when communities are against communities, and one religion against another, it is now that friendship is so much needed.
Besides, friendship is the first lesson of spirituality that one can learn. One may think that friendship, a personal friendship,
means nothing; that one does not become spiritual through a personal friendship. But one does. A person begins his spiritual
accomplishment by learning how to be a friend. For one who is really treading the path of friendship need not go anywhere to
learn morals. Friendship itself teaches him sincerity, gratitude, sympathy, tenderness, appreciation; all these things that we must
learn in this world, friendship teaches us. And once a man begins to learn these things through friendship with one person, he
will naturally show to others the same virtues which, he has acquired by going along this path. Just as someone who has
learned how to sing beautifully will naturally sing every song that is given to him beautifully. The one who has cultivated his heart
through friendship will naturally be inclined to be friends with others.
It is not belief in God, which leads us to the goal, nor is it the analysis
and the knowledge of God that bring us there. It is the
friendship of God. For someone who learns the lesson of friendship in this world, this lesson develops in the end into friendship
with God. But when a person exacts in return from his friend all that he does for him, then it is not friendship, it is business. It
only means: I give you a shilling an you give me twelve pence. When a person judges his friend, then the spirit of friendship is
not awakened in his heart, for a friend never judges. When a person talks to another about his friend, when he blames him,
when he criticizes him, he does not know what friendship is. The meaning of friendship is too sacred to realize. All other
relationships and connections in this life are empty if friendship is not at the back of them to strengthen them. The relationship
between mother and daughter, father and son, brother and sister, husband and wife, teacher and pupil, all these connections
need a spirit behind them; and this spirit is the spirit of friendship. When a daughter says, ‘I am friends with my mother,’ there
is something beautiful about it. It makes the connection between a mother and a daughter a different thing. It makes it living. In
every relationship it is the same. When there is friendship to bind the relationship it makes it secure, it gives it life. Love is life,
and life is symbolized by water. When one wants to bring water up out of the ground one has to dig for it, and the first thing
which one finds is mud. And if one is disappointed by that, one has fooled oneself, for beneath the earth is water; it can be
found but one must have patience to dig for it, to dig deep enough to find the water.
If one has made a friend it is not something that one has made to order,
that must just fit in according to one’s expectations and
wishes. Every individual has his own characteristics, and as long as the spirit of forgiveness is not developed, friendship cannot
last. It is a continual forgiveness that helps friendship to endure. Much can be learned by study, but not unselfishness.
Unselfishness can be learned by one thing only and that is by treading the path of friendship. And it brings beauty into one’s
life; a friendly person, whether in business or in a profession, in whatever capacity he stands, gives one a feeling of warmth; in
other words an atmosphere of life. One is always glad to meet a friendly person in a shop, in a factory, in an office. When this
spirit is awakened one can feel in his words, in his voice, in his expression, in his atmosphere, that he is a friendly person, that
there is something that goes out to meet others, a continual tendency to harmonize with others.
Once this spirit is developed the ever-complaining tendency vanishes.
If it is not developed then this world is full of thorns that
prick. Then one will have no peace, no happiness, whatever one’s position in life. If a person wants to make his life easy, if he
wishes to create happiness in his life, he must try to crush that ego, that Nafs, that thought of self which keeps one continually
absorbed in one’s own thoughts and in one’s own affairs. By rising above it he will learn the spirit of friendship. And then for
him the same path, which was full of thorns will become full of roses. For some souls that same world which can be hell to
many others, is heaven. For friendship changes man’s point of view. An unfriendly man, as soon as he sees another person,
sees him from his own critical point of view. He has his preconceived ideas and therefore he is not allowed by Providence to
see the good side of the other. But the one in whom the friendly spirit is awakened always overlooks little errors, faults,
mistakes; his sympathy and his love naturally help him to rise above the faults of man. That is the story of Jesus Christ, the
friend of humanity, before whom the greatest sinners were brought; but the attitude of the Master was always forgiving. Those
who brought them were unfriendly; the Master was friendly.
Life is as we look at it. If we wish to find faults we can find faults
in the best person in the world, and if we wish to find good
points we can find good points in the worst person in the world. It is as we see life. Someone went to Jami, the great seer of
Persia, and asked him if he would accept him as his disciple on the spiritual path. Jami asked him, ‘Have you loved, have you
learned the manner of friendship?’ He said, ‘No, not yet.’ Jami said, ‘Go into the world again, and learn it.’ The first lesson on
the spiritual path that one has to learn is the manner of friendship. Once that is learned then all other parts of the spiritual
journey will become easy. Where do all the disturbances, such as wars, revolutions, disagreeable experiences among nations,
fights among parties, come from? They all come from lack of friendship. And the most extraordinary thing is that one party may
perhaps have been fighting another party for years, but if we investigate their particular ideas we find that they are not even
friends among themselves, for fighting against the other party produces and develops this unfriendly spirit in them. It is a kind of
In education, in religion, or in anything else, the best thing one can
do is to introduce the spirit of friendliness. And how can we
introduce it? This is something, which cannot arise only by reading some books about it. There exist innumerable societies and
institutions of brotherhood everywhere, but they prove to be anything but brotherhood. Therefore that is not the way. The way
is for an individual to be brought to understand fully that the essence of morals and of religion and of education is one, and that
one essence is the manner of friendship. Sufis of all ages have named it Suluk, which means divine manner, beneficence. That
is why the best education is beneficence: how to bring pleasure and happiness to another; and one can begin to learn this by
understanding fully what friendliness is and by practicing it at the same time.